I was with my first husband for 11 years. I was completely in love, enthralled, with him. I saw him behave very badly. Sometimes he did things that were clearly wrong (even amoral,maybe). Occasionally I would have a frisson of something vaguely sociopathic. I managed to justify everything. I had a multitude of answers. I was caught. He confused me, distracted me from what I knew to be true, twisted things upside down and backwards until nothing made sense. So many people loved him. I don't think they really knew him. Even then I didn't really think they knew him. I knew things they didn't, because they wouldn't understand if they knew. If they didn't understand then they wouldn't love him. But he was worth loving, to me, despite it all. Friends and family who saw something they didn't like were dismissed. Some who loved me just stayed loyal and present. I think they were awaiting the day it would end.
 Toward the end of our relationship we were fighting one day and I suddenly realized I had no idea what we were actually fighting about. It was like I woke up in the middle of something and couldn't find my way. I expressed that feeling to him, and he responded that sometimes he liked to say things that make me mad because it was fun to fight with me. Re-read that sentence. It  may be one of the most honest things he has ever said in his life.
 Our separation was spurred on by his confession of an affair that was the most recent in a string affairs that I had always suspected. For years I have described to people the overwhelming sense of gratitude I felt in that moment. I was not angry. I was grateful. I was grateful because he had just handed me my sanity. "I'm not crazy!" After years of feeling like I was seeing things that weren't there, I now knew the truth. It was total relief.
 Over 20 years later I sat having lunch with a friend who had known him. They had not ended well. She had never really felt the attraction that so many people felt. In fact, it was the opposite. So there we were talking about all those years ago and she said something about him abusing me.. I said I didn't think so. She asked "have you ever heard of gas lighting?" I had, and rejected her premise. That was last July.
 In October I was driving down the freeway, thoughts coming and going from my mind. Then a memory appeared and suddenly looked very different than it had before. It hit me full force that I had refused to see what I knew was happening. I was not proud of my devotion. It made me sad.  After that, one thing after another has flooded me. I still get random memories popping up that make me cringe. I spent 11 years convincing my self that there were good reasons for everything that happened, or when there weren't it wasn't that big of a deal. I gave him my belief and trust. Even after our divorce, I would admit he was crazy, but that I had seen his dark side and felt he had been struggling to overcome his psychological problems. I believed he could have, and that he just stopped fighting and lost the battle.
 My friend said "have you heard of gas lighting?" and I said that had not been the case.  It took me 11 years with him, plus another 26 to see it differently.
 Today my heart hurts for this country. The man about to be sworn in as president is clearly abusive and managing to gas light almost half the country. Even the press is still caught in trying to figure him out. Which thing he said is the thing he meant? Which promises were the real promises? What does it mean that his cabinet picks seem to contradict him?  What does it mean that they  are antagonistic to the very cabinets they are being nominated to head? Listen up people: it doesn't mean anything, except that he enjoys watching the chaos he creates. It is all so very entertaining and exhilarating. Even the anger and hatred he feels when someone attacks him serves as fuel for the game. The adrenaline rush is like a high. The power to fuck with us is intoxicating.
  People will say I'm wrong, that I "don't get it". Sure, he says shit and does things that may seem wrong, but it s not real. The rest of us look on in horror, much the same way my friend did... and other friends as well. you couldn't have convinced me anything was truly wrong, or not so wrong I wouldn't love him, not so wrong it negated all the magic and beauty.
 It took me 11 years, plus 26 more, to open my eyes. How can I expect  his supporters who are otherwise good people , to see him any clearer than I saw the man in my home? (I'm not talking about the bat-shit crazy ones here) Yelling and demanding that they come to terms with their own blind spots is a lost cause. It will do no more good than anybody that tried to sway me. This sounds so condescending to me. I wish I could be the friend that sits next to them and says "Really? Are you sure? Pay attention. Think about this. This is what I see." cause this is for all of us now.