Never Say Never

 Many, many times in my life I have chosen to do something I said I'd never do. Recently I felt the tug. I said I'd never do something (eat oysters maybe?) and there it was. Now I have to. It's like I see the window I've closed and need to know what's out there. I know I said never, but what if I'm missing something?
* Never get married -check. Twice. First time didn't work out so good. I said never again, then did it the second time and got it right.
* Never live in L.A - check.  I've been here 25 years and counting. I love it.
* Never own/drive car -check. I live in L.A.
* Never own a house-check. Twice.
* Never, well maybe never, have kids -check. Here I am with twins.
* Never live in "the valley"-check. Kids&home package deal.
* Never be a housewife/stay at home mom- check.
The list is long, both big and small decisions. Each time there was a reason, a draw, that let me excuse the foolishness of "never". I felt a need to pursue that direction.
Today I am questioning the intelligence of that. I have always (can I say always?) said I have no regrets.Who knows what would have happened if I had made different choices in my life. There would have been good and bad, just like the paths I have chosen. Either way it is what it is and I'm right with that. But today? Not so much. Today I feel a longing to know what would've happened if I had made decisions based upon something else, like what I DID want.  The work I have done to support myself  has been jobs I decided I wanted and pursued, successfully. Want ads have never been my thing. But jobs aren't life decisions. What would it be like to figure out what I want to do with my life and then go about making it happen? That sounds ridiculously simpleminded, but I really don't know where to start. I have no idea what I want right now. Who do I want to be when I grow up? She said at 50.

The extent to which you desire something is the extent to which it can cause you pain. Or something like that. I went in search of the quote to see who said it and couldn't find it. Maybe it's a truism. In any case, I thought I got it. Wanting things is a trap. Cool. New clothes, a better car, a bigger house, new toys..... Yeah. They'd be fine, but I don't find myself attached to the desire.

 Then I realized something the other day. I do go around desperately desiring something. It's just not material. I desire to feel differently than I feel, to be somebody different than myself. I want to resolve things the way I believe they should be resolved. I have a whole set of beliefs about what I should be like and I desire desperately to be those ideas. The extent to which I desire is the extent to which those things can cause me pain. How much of these non-material, yet powerful, desires is responsible for my depression?

 I often live, subtlety, not owning my own being. Not feeling just what I feel, but always desiring to feel better... happier? At least better than I am. Believing I should think/feel the way I imagine others think/feel. 

 And yet when I do own myself and my feelings, the sense of owning who I am is powerful. I feel strong and confident and in touch with my intuition. Why is it so hard to stay there? And the circle closes back. The desire to feel differently than I feel. Gotcha. 

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Eden Alair

October 7 at 11:00am · Glendale, CA · 

Long Reflections on the Downward Spiral: 
Over my life I have learned about what I need. Plenty of sunshine, outside world, exercise, good eating, music, friends, and staying connected to my husband. These are the parts of life that keep me present, help me cope, buoy me over troubles. Sometimes there's a blip. It can be a cold, an injury, a crazy schedule, a stressful time. I skip my hikes/walks. The habit, the understanding of how that time fits in my schedule, wanes. I don't notice it at first. Then the music fades. I stop eating healthy. I don't even notice at first. I'm just tired. Too tired to connect. Too tired to bother with myself. Disconnected, I begin to realize how off I feel. I make some feeble attempts at change and when they don't pan out it seems like confirmation that life is just too hard. Then I become anxious at the very idea of being in the world. I know how to behave; say the acceptable things, talk about the weather, smile at the person who helps me and say thank you. How am I? Fine. Because I am. Sort of. I do the daily things required to keep going. I function. But something is missing. At some point in this part of the cycle I may begin to know what has happened. Seeing it, knowing what is wrong, what needs to be done for myself almost feels worse. The steps feel insurmountable. The thought of it all makes my heart both harden and flutter. I stop looking people in the eye because connecting with a human, even for a moment, makes me feel naked and ashamed. It evens starts to happen around John. I can see him struggle with how to react, what to do, how to not do, why there is nothing *to do*. He's learned, I think, that as frustrating as it can be he needs to just be there and move on, watching me struggle. I can be irritable, impatient, unkind. He knows that there's someone else here inside. It's just trapped. I have an iron shell. Except when I am alone I cry. I know better. I've learned. Just do it. Do what needs to be done to reverse this. I know. I know. Oh. Fuck. Just get out the door. So I walk to the store instead of driving. I notice the blue sky and the way the sun settles on the mountains. My body feels creaky and old. But it's moving, outside in daylight, and serving a purpose. I cry when I get home. But it's different tears. The upward movement has begun. I realize I can do it. It still seems confusingly difficult, but now worth it. I both hope nobody notices where I've been, and long to be witnessed. I know my friends and family are familiar with this side of me. I never deny it. Sometimes I openly reference that I struggle. I don't go into detail. I think detail would make people uncomfortable. Now I wonder, what if that's ok? Or what if it doesn't? Or what if someone might actually find a piece of something they need? And what if it does make someone uncomfortable and they don't like it? I feel a sense of curiosity and play. That's good. I like that. I like liking something. It's time to move on.

Eden Alair

July 7 · Edited · 

One of the best friends I have ever had almost died a couple of months ago. And I might have never known. We hadn't been in touch for several years. I was the only friend she asked to be with her at her wedding, she was one of two at mine. We never had been a talk all the time kind of friends. Over the years I wondered. I checked to see if she was on Fb. Nope. There was no evidence of activity with mutual friends. I'm in over my head with this parenting thing. I figured Id hear from her if anything happened. The last time we saw/spoke with each other was December of 2006 when she flew to town for my wedding with John. 9 years people. I let it go for NINE FUCKING YEARS. I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know exactly what she was thinking. I hope she wasn't mad at me all that time and not saying anything. I hope she was just busy with her life and happy and thinking about me every now and then. She has invited me back into her world now. I just got caught up with everything she has been through. I am so angry at myself and sad and confused about how she could have been in such critical life/death danger and no one told me. AND I also feel like I am now making this all about ME. at some point I hope we can talk and talk and talk... I don't want to bombard her with all the drama going on in my head right now. I just want her to recover and be healthy and I want to never let her go again. Or any of you others out there. FUCK being a "doesn't stay in touch" kind of friend just totally bit me in the ass and I hope i have learned a lesson I will never forget. Right now I am so thankful for Facebook i cant even tell you. It has truly been my lifeline to my community of friends from all times/places and she was one of only a few missing. Now I'll never lose track of her again. I don't want to ever lose track of any of you again. And if i need to say "goodbye" i want to know. I love you guys.

Eden Alair

April 9 · Glendale, CA · 

Today I give in. I've been trying to keep it at arm's length. Trying to rise above it. Move beyond it.
The Is seems to have other plans. It keeps poking me from all sides. So ya know what? Today, I get to feel crappy. Sad. Sorry for myself. Angry. Overwhelmed.
I'll move through it. A tunnel isn't a cave.

Eden Alair

February 28 · Los Angeles, CA · 

All day long it has been threatening to rain. We've had some misfires and failures in our activities. One of the boys has been an emotional train wreck. They've both gotten louder and louder as the day wore on. I took them with me to pick up dinner. They were bickering over what music to listen to and all I could do was stare and gasp in wonder at the cloud formations. Back at home chaos was reigning supreme and finally there was a point where I could escape for a moment. I went for a walk. Looking up at the moon and stars in a beautiful clear patch of sky raindrops began to fall on my face.

Eden Alair

February 7 · Glendale, CA · 

Words I need to redefine: exceptional, successful, purpose, present and meaningful

Eden Alair

February 4 · Los Angeles, CA · 

music pounding in my ears
feeling the sun on my face and the breeze on my body
seeing fresh greens and whites and purples
I am learning to tolerate discomfort
while making space for pleasure

Eden Alair

January 12 · Glendale, CA · 

I grow weary of the world
Sad and tired
The drama of conflict, big and small,
washes over me
I duck and wait to come up for air.
I want to feel the sunshine,
inhale the scent of fresh sage
and wonder at the shades of green
springing to life around me
without being required to follow anyone's rules
Or meet their expectations.
I want to know you,
not what you think you know or what you believe,
I want to know how the dirt feels under your feet,
What you hear in the wind
How your heart feels after the climb
And how far you can see from here

Eden Alair

January 8 · Glendale, CA · 

Alert!
I am a whole person: an emotional, depressed, messy, angry, snarky, open, sassy, overwhelmed, struggling, excited, happy, proud, needy, sun-dependent, bored, tired, worried, surprised, mystical, spiritual, atheist, nature loving, solitary, caring, interested, relieved, amazed, and confused person! You know that, right? Never believe otherwise, and never think I mean to deceive you. Lately I have been in a good place and it has felt like NEWS to be shared. That's all. (Can you tell I have taken a little something personally? Yikes!)

Eden Alair

January 4 · Glendale, CA · 

A few days ago John and I were joking about what my "title" is... And I flippantly said "I think it should be something like She Who Must Be Worshiped On Your Knees". The more I think about it, the more I like it.

heart slamming against my chest

breathing hard

inhaling the scent of mud

navigating rocks and drop offs

winding switchbacks going forward and backward

music pounding in my ears

feeling the sun on my face and the breeze on my body

seeing fresh greens and whites and purples

I am learning to tolerate discomfort

while making space for pleasure

I grow weary of the world

Sad and tired

The drama of conflict, big and small, 

washes over me

I duck and wait to come up for air.

I want to feel the sunshine, 

inhale the scent of fresh sage 

and wonder at the shades of green 

springing to life around me 

without being required to follow anyone's rules

Or meet their expectations.

I want to know you, 

not what you think you know or what you believe,

I want to know how the dirt feels under your feet, 

What you hear in the wind

How your heart feels after the climb

And how far you can see from here

I've been monkeying with this page lately. I changed the style and the format. It's not what I want. It's messy and seems broken. But here I am again.
It's also time to get back to my kids and chores, after having sat here at the computer for a LONG time.
But I am here now.
For some reason.
I will trust that.
Who knows?