The extent to which you desire something is the extent to which it can cause you pain. Or something like that. I went in search of the quote to see who said it and couldn't find it. Maybe it's a truism. In any case, I thought I got it. Wanting things is a trap. Cool. New clothes, a better car, a bigger house, new toys..... Yeah. They'd be fine, but I don't find myself attached to the desire.

 Then I realized something the other day. I do go around desperately desiring something. It's just not material. I desire to feel differently than I feel, to be somebody different than myself. I want to resolve things the way I believe they should be resolved. I have a whole set of beliefs about what I should be like and I desire desperately to be those ideas. The extent to which I desire is the extent to which those things can cause me pain. How much of these non-material, yet powerful, desires is responsible for my depression?

 I often live, subtlety, not owning my own being. Not feeling just what I feel, but always desiring to feel better... happier? At least better than I am. Believing I should think/feel the way I imagine others think/feel. 

 And yet when I do own myself and my feelings, the sense of owning who I am is powerful. I feel strong and confident and in touch with my intuition. Why is it so hard to stay there? And the circle closes back. The desire to feel differently than I feel. Gotcha.