Just can't

Sometimes I just can't. Put my thoughts into concise sentences. Let go of anger enough to think straight. figure out my boundaries with my kids. Be patient. Feel sexy. Enjoy playing games with my kids. Stop my self from yelling. Remember to take care of myself. Bother with taking a shower, cause it feels like so much effort. Put on the happy face. Find a good attitude. Keep track of everything that needs to be done. Get it done, even if I have kept track. Figure out what to do with 10 minutes, other than sit and write about what I can't do.

For Today

The mystery of my mood swings leaves me spinning.
Yesterday I found a little piece of myself that made a difference. I smiled inside. It was enough.
Today it seems there is no allowance for life to unfold. My mind wants everything wrapped up and packaged neatly to avoid messiness.
There are magnets in my brain with their opposing poles pushing away from each other.
And my response is to lock up, be irritable, and resentful of containing them.
It's as if there is some secret doorway that I don't know how to find. I just stumble upon it every now and then. It leads to a place where the jigsaw puzzle pieces fall into place with each other. I like it there.
And I keep searching. The problem is when I can't find it, I feel my shortcomings all the more. Because I am quite certain I should know where it is.

Bog

This is a morning of struggle. I am struggling with my blackness.
 I see every nook and cranny of dark shadows and feel them calling to me, wanting me to immerse myself in them and get lost in their murky depths.
I am angry, hurt, tired and sick.
I tug against the bog and it sucks me further down.
I imagine a world where i don't feel this way, but I don't believe in it.
Imagine.
 Not good enough.
 Create.
 Please.
 So that I can believe.
 Move. On.
 Yet Again.

You don't know me.
I am me. I am honest. I can be pretty open and willing to share what's going on in my life.
I'm not really hiding from you.
It's simply too easy to take me at face value.
And you probably prefer me as a "what you see is what you get" kind of person.

What isn't apparent is how dark I often feel.

Melancholy is a normal state for me. That’s when everything is really kind of ok.

There are times,  a day, a few days, on occasion months, where things get scary. 

Rage and misery hold me hostage. They tell me lies about my world and the people in it.  My world seems different than everyone else’s.  I can’t even begin to break the bonds holding me.  

I just went deep for awhile. I'm resurfacing now. 

I feel things blowing through me like the wind.