I've been monkeying with this page lately. I changed the style and the format. It's not what I want. It's messy and seems broken. But here I am again.
It's also time to get back to my kids and chores, after having sat here at the computer for a LONG time.
But I am here now.
For some reason.
I will trust that.
Who knows?

Appearances

So this morning I had a new thought that surprised me.
 Awhile back a friend of mine posted on Facebook "When did I stop caring how I look?"
 And my first thought was "I relate to that". Then I thought "but is that a bad thing?"
 Since then I think about it every so often. Usually if I am on my way to the grocery store, or to pick up my kids from school. Was it the kids? Being a mom definitely changed my priorities. I'm not sure that's it. But it could be... and, again, is this a bad thing? Is it so awful to feel like one can go out in the world without "putting on a face"?
But there is something in the question that pokes me. There is something wrong here.
Do I not care? Or not worry? Is it from a strength? or a laziness?
And today I see an interesting (to me) arc.

Once upon a time (like as a teenager) I wanted to be looked at, sought after, admired. I was either preening or disgusted with myself. I also was under the impression that everybody looked at me. I better look good. 
In my twenties I hated myself for awhile. Still convinced that everyone was looking at me, I hated my acne (often calling my reflection a "monster") and also felt self-conscious if I looked "too good". I didn't like the attention I was getting. living in NYC was like walking through a landmine of harassment. And at the same time I needed to be pretty/sexy/something for auditions. And I had developed a worry that I would look like i wanted to "flaunt"myself.
In LA everyone is in cars. It got safer. Plus I stopped acting, therefore stopped auditioning. 
By the time I hit 30 i think I felt some confidence in my appearance and carefully dressed in ways that I thought expressed who I was, at least on that day. It didn't control me. I wasn't obsessive about it. But it did still matter.
In my mid thirties I started to realize I wasn't getting the unwanted attention anymore. I sort of tucked that thought away. It was perhaps the beginning f the end.

Then came pregnancy. Kids. Spit up. Nights spent breast feeding every few hours. Huge gigantic boobs that didn't seem at all sexy to me. Survival mode. Weight gain after breast feeding stopped. Weight loss and control to a tleast feel sort of ok. I remember a Halloween party that sort of made me crazy trying to dress up sexy yet not reveal how gross my body seemed to me, and not sure if it mattered.
maybe that was when it happened.

Because what I realized this morning is that I don't think anybody really is looking at me, or noticing. I am wearing the same baggy, old cut-off denim shorts i wore yesterday and I highly doubt anyone has noticed. Or will. So why bother?
 Seriously, there was a moment of "oh, I wore these yesterday" and then the thought "oh its not like anyone will notice. Nobody really looks at me".

I'm still back at "is this really a bad thing". Maybe it's true in a freeing way. Stopped obsessing about what other people think because chances are most people are too busy thinking about how THEY look to see you.
Maybe.
 Or maybe I just feel like I don't matter.
At least not as much as getting my kids out the door to school, getting the housework done, the groceries bought and then picking up the kids and needing to feel comfortable running around after them.

I see women picking their kids up at school that blow my mind. Tight skirts or short dresses and amazingly high heels. Like hooker heels. How do these women parent kids? I want to start a photo album titled "really?". 
And I am happy to not be those women. I am more comfortable. And that has mattered to me a lot for many years now. Comfort rules.

There ya go. No conclusion. No deep understanding. Just exploring something.

A strange poem for the day

Voting day.
Kids' school is a polling place. But not OUR polling place. Damn.
Need to go pick up Cosmo's ashes from the vet.
Pick out large potted plant for funeral ceremony for him.
Wish we could do it today because it's Dia de los Muertos .
 It's voting day.

Candy

 November 1st.

As a mother of two six year old boys guess what's on my mind this morning.
Sugar.
We have two enormous trick or treat bags full of candy. Plus what they came home from school with on Friday. And what my mother brought with her yesterday before trick or treating.
 Sugar.
 What to do about sugar.
I grew up in a household where candy was out in dishes around the house. I don't remember ever asking if I could have any. It was there  for the taking. As I became an adult I began to believe that my eating habits were largely responsible for some of my emotional/mental fragility/instability. The whole anti-sugar movement was in full swing. Sugar Blues. And  I had a very definite dependence on caffeine by the age of 17. It wasn't a weight issue with me. It was a crazy issue. And in my adult years since I have tried to be aware of this as a nutrition issue as well. Health. Matters.
Of course I also don't remember ever eating so mush candy that I threw up. Or hiding chocolate chips under the couch in the shag carpet so I could eat them without my mom knowing.  My husband was raised around watchful, maybe limited, sugar use and has these memories.
 So. as a parent I have a dilemma. To withhold and create a compulsive desire, or to allow and risk bad eating habits, poor health, sugar spikes and crazy/wild behavior. blah blah blah.
It has been suggested to me that some of the behavior problems with kids could be their diet.
I also have read about some studies that basically show that sugar does not make kids hyper. That it is all in our perception.
I know people from both routes. They each seem as fine as the other. Basically. Sometimes it's hard to tell for sure.
So I try for the in between route. Some is ok. But not all the time. And not a ton.
 Every day I struggle to find the line between ok and not ok. Is it ok to have a piece of candy.? What about two? And if yesterday then why not today? Treats are a sometimes thing. But when? And why?
And then comes a holiday. There are so many sweets involved with all our holidays, it feels like deprivation to say no. Even to limit seems to be scroogelike.
And then there's Halloween . A holiday built around candy.
They were up much past their bedtime last night. Allowed to eat some of their haul. (which is fairly sizable bw). And now hey have a day off of school (nice coincidence, huh?) and I will be facing down the question; "mom. can I have my candy?"
Well, yeah. How much? When?
 And then; what about the left overs.
 They count up what they have. They organize and memorize every piece.
We tried putting it all together in one big bucket. Family candy. Bickering and squabbling quickly tore that down. How to decide what is "fair"? So each one knows what he has, and expects it to be there until he has eaten it himself. 
And, of course this leads to the fact that we have candy here from their birthday last January. There is more there than can be eaten at a reasonable pace in a reasonable length of time. We always have candy. Holidays are too close together and provide too much to ever get rid of it. 
Unless we just junk it.
Today i will probably toss whatever was here before yesterday.
Which isn't saying much.
Being a parent has taken all the joy out of candy.