Appearances

So this morning I had a new thought that surprised me.
 Awhile back a friend of mine posted on Facebook "When did I stop caring how I look?"
 And my first thought was "I relate to that". Then I thought "but is that a bad thing?"
 Since then I think about it every so often. Usually if I am on my way to the grocery store, or to pick up my kids from school. Was it the kids? Being a mom definitely changed my priorities. I'm not sure that's it. But it could be... and, again, is this a bad thing? Is it so awful to feel like one can go out in the world without "putting on a face"?
But there is something in the question that pokes me. There is something wrong here.
Do I not care? Or not worry? Is it from a strength? or a laziness?
And today I see an interesting (to me) arc.

Once upon a time (like as a teenager) I wanted to be looked at, sought after, admired. I was either preening or disgusted with myself. I also was under the impression that everybody looked at me. I better look good. 
In my twenties I hated myself for awhile. Still convinced that everyone was looking at me, I hated my acne (often calling my reflection a "monster") and also felt self-conscious if I looked "too good". I didn't like the attention I was getting. living in NYC was like walking through a landmine of harassment. And at the same time I needed to be pretty/sexy/something for auditions. And I had developed a worry that I would look like i wanted to "flaunt"myself.
In LA everyone is in cars. It got safer. Plus I stopped acting, therefore stopped auditioning. 
By the time I hit 30 i think I felt some confidence in my appearance and carefully dressed in ways that I thought expressed who I was, at least on that day. It didn't control me. I wasn't obsessive about it. But it did still matter.
In my mid thirties I started to realize I wasn't getting the unwanted attention anymore. I sort of tucked that thought away. It was perhaps the beginning f the end.

Then came pregnancy. Kids. Spit up. Nights spent breast feeding every few hours. Huge gigantic boobs that didn't seem at all sexy to me. Survival mode. Weight gain after breast feeding stopped. Weight loss and control to a tleast feel sort of ok. I remember a Halloween party that sort of made me crazy trying to dress up sexy yet not reveal how gross my body seemed to me, and not sure if it mattered.
maybe that was when it happened.

Because what I realized this morning is that I don't think anybody really is looking at me, or noticing. I am wearing the same baggy, old cut-off denim shorts i wore yesterday and I highly doubt anyone has noticed. Or will. So why bother?
 Seriously, there was a moment of "oh, I wore these yesterday" and then the thought "oh its not like anyone will notice. Nobody really looks at me".

I'm still back at "is this really a bad thing". Maybe it's true in a freeing way. Stopped obsessing about what other people think because chances are most people are too busy thinking about how THEY look to see you.
Maybe.
 Or maybe I just feel like I don't matter.
At least not as much as getting my kids out the door to school, getting the housework done, the groceries bought and then picking up the kids and needing to feel comfortable running around after them.

I see women picking their kids up at school that blow my mind. Tight skirts or short dresses and amazingly high heels. Like hooker heels. How do these women parent kids? I want to start a photo album titled "really?". 
And I am happy to not be those women. I am more comfortable. And that has mattered to me a lot for many years now. Comfort rules.

There ya go. No conclusion. No deep understanding. Just exploring something.