Never Say Never

 Many, many times in my life I have chosen to do something I said I'd never do. Recently I felt the tug. I said I'd never do something (eat oysters maybe?) and there it was. Now I have to. It's like I see the window I've closed and need to know what's out there. I know I said never, but what if I'm missing something?
* Never get married -check. Twice. First time didn't work out so good. I said never again, then did it the second time and got it right.
* Never live in L.A - check.  I've been here 25 years and counting. I love it.
* Never own/drive car -check. I live in L.A.
* Never own a house-check. Twice.
* Never, well maybe never, have kids -check. Here I am with twins.
* Never live in "the valley"-check. Kids&home package deal.
* Never be a housewife/stay at home mom- check.
The list is long, both big and small decisions. Each time there was a reason, a draw, that let me excuse the foolishness of "never". I felt a need to pursue that direction.
Today I am questioning the intelligence of that. I have always (can I say always?) said I have no regrets.Who knows what would have happened if I had made different choices in my life. There would have been good and bad, just like the paths I have chosen. Either way it is what it is and I'm right with that. But today? Not so much. Today I feel a longing to know what would've happened if I had made decisions based upon something else, like what I DID want.  The work I have done to support myself  has been jobs I decided I wanted and pursued, successfully. Want ads have never been my thing. But jobs aren't life decisions. What would it be like to figure out what I want to do with my life and then go about making it happen? That sounds ridiculously simpleminded, but I really don't know where to start. I have no idea what I want right now. Who do I want to be when I grow up? She said at 50.